If This Is Love
by elleruth
Summary: Quinn struggles to understand her feelings for Rachel. Oneshot.


**Author's note: **I felt like there weren't many Quinn/Rachel fics from Quinn's POV, and when I was listening to old 90s songs that I used to love, one caught me as an idea for a story. I suppose this is set after Sectionals but before the Back 9 - Quinn's pregnant but not with Finn (or Puck) and where she lives isn't relevant. Oh, it's probably important that Rachel doesn't hate Quinn, they're sort of friends, but they're comfortable together and all, Quinn's not a complete bitch.

* * *

_What is love, cos baby I don't know_  
_I got a funny feeling in my heart_  
_If this is love - it feels like butterflies_  
_So tell me baby is this how it starts?_

Quinn heard the door being pushed open and cursed to herself. She hated other people hearing her pee. It had gotten worse over the past couple of weeks - the baby made it impossible for her to hold anything in, so she just hoped the other girl would be in a stall when she got out.  
When she heard sniffling and water running she gave up saving herself the embarrassment and stepped out into the girls' bathroom. Quinn caught sight of the girl's face in the mirror; it was Rachel. She was mildly relieved, at least it was someone she knew who had just heard her empty her bladder for a good minute, and she felt better again when she realised it could have been Santana.

"Oh, hi, Quinn" Rachel glanced up to meet the hazel eyes in the mirror. "Why aren't you in Glee club? It's 3.30."  
Quinn moved over to the sink next to Rachel, and leant over to turn off the other girl's faucet, which was gushing water.  
"I_ heard_ you crying." She said it so pointedly that she thought she saw Rachel flinch, but it was the thin red rims around her dark eyes that made Quinn feel bad. "I'm just on my way, the baby, and all..." She trailed off; she could feel Rachel's sympathetic eyes on her and it made her uncomfortable. "Why aren't you there, anyway?"  
"I was, but then—I left. Mr Schuester. He seems to think that just because Kurt isn't as confident in his abilities as I am, not that he has half as much talent as I do in the first place, that he deserves more solos. I mean..."  
Rachel carried on talking, and Quinn stared into the mirror, hoping she was doing a good job of feigning disinterest, when what she was really thinking was that, when Rachel started talking like this, her voice getting higher and faster, it wasn't nearly as annoying as anyone else made it out to be. It was even, sort of, funny, and endearing. She didn't know if that was the right word, but it was something that made it hard for her to completely despise the girl.

* * *

Santana and Brittany held a pool party for Britt's birthday a couple of weeks later. Quinn didn't know why she had bothered going; it was her, Santana and Britt, Puck, Finn, Mike and Matt, and a bunch of other Cheerios and footballers. The girls were all in tiny bikinis, but Quinn was too self-conscious now. The baby bump wasn't huge, but it wasn't small enough to wear a bikini with when you're stood next to Santana Lopez. She sat awkwardly on a bench, watching the others. Getting invited to this party had used up about the last scrap of reputation she had left; she thought she should try to enjoy it, but she couldn't. Lately, she'd become to feel more at home at Glee club with the freaks than anywhere else. Artie didn't say anything when she couldn't keep up with the choreography and Tina didn't mock her for keeping quiet when she felt like throwing up her lunch. Everyone seemed to understand more. She just wished Rachel would stop looking at her with those sympathetic eyes.

The party turned from lame to disastrous when Quinn heard the door. She looked around, but Santana was sat with three empty cans beside her and another in her hand with a growing group of guys around her. Brittany looked too put out to concentrate on anything else, so Quinn stood up, ignoring the extra weight that she felt every day now, and went through the house to the front door.

"Rachel? What on earth are you doing here?" Quinn scoffed. Rachel was even less welcome here than she was, but the strangest thing was that she had turned up at all.  
"Party, right?", Rachel answered with commendable enthusiasm, given Quinn's best efforts at a harsh glare.  
"Yeah...What makes you think _you _were invited?"  
Rachel deflated. Quinn noticed how even though Rachel's smile was fixed, she could see the change in her eyes, and wondered if anyone else had ever figured that out.  
"I.. uh.. I heard Santana and you and the guys talking about it in Glee club, I figured it was a group thing or something. I'm such an idiot."  
Quinn felt uneasy. She thought it might have been empathy for Rachel until she felt it rising up her body.  
"Shit. I'm gonna puke."  
"Oh! Uh, do you— Can you get to the bathroom?"  
Quinn turned on her heels, (thank God the bathroom was downstairs) and with her hand over her mouth darted to the toilet. She retched twice and felt even worse at the smell. Her arm stretched out behind her for the door handle, but her hand was damp with cool sweat and it was too far away to pull closed. She shuddered heavily at the empty feeling inside her and felt suddenly tired.

When Rachel put her small hand on Quinn's back and started gently stroking it, all Quinn could think about was how embarrassing this was, but also how nice it felt against the ache in her lower back. She sat up, and Rachel was crouched behind her, her hand still moving up and down. The blonde heaved again, but nothing happened this time, and she was so worn out that she let herself sink back a bit, resting against Rachel's little body.  
Rachel started gathering the blonde hair back, "Oh, Quinn, it's in your hair. Hold on, I'll get a washcloth." She started to get up, but Quinn whimpered, not sure what she was doing, but knowing that she didn't want to try sitting up.  
"Okay, I'll stay, I think I've got a tissue."  
It was the section of hair that hung next to Quinn's left cheek, and when Rachel's soft fingers grazed Quinn's skin, she felt a tingling inside her, only this time it wasn't the familiar feeling that told her she was going to be sick. She didn't know what to say, so she let out a single sob and let Rachel finish cleaning her up in the tiny room.

* * *

Rachel was off school the next Monday. Quinn found that in Glee club, it wasn't that Artie and Tina and everyone else were being especially nice to her, they were just ignoring her. That was why no-one cared when she had to sit down half-way through a routine, or couldn't sing because of the nausea. She missed Rachel's sympathetic eyes too. Eyes that weren't really sympathetic at all, just caring, and deep, deep brown.

* * *

It was a Friday afternoon when Rachel stumbled into the choir room, her eyes focused on music sheets. Quinn was sat at the back of the room. She had gone in to collect a book she'd left behind earlier, but had stayed because the room was quiet and cool and empty. Her stomach lurched when she saw Rachel. She knew now that it wasn't the baby any more, that had worn off a while ago, now she was further into the pregnancy. She didn't really understand what it was, but she knew what other people would say. To her, it felt like butterflies.  
She didn't fancy Rachel. Her nose was big, and she wore weird clothes. She had too much hair, and her facial expressions were over the top. They didn't give anything away though, only her brown eyes told Quinn what Rachel was really feeling. A lot of the time, Quinn thought she looked sad, and it was then that she started doing stupid things. Laughing loudly at Rachel's jokes, or nodding enthusiastically at her ideas in Glee club. It was okay when it made Rachel's eyes smile, but it was mortifying when those eyes locked with Quinn's.  
"Rachel!". She hated it when her voice took on that tone. She sounded like an excited little kid.  
"Huh?"  
Quinn's cheeks turned pink when Rachel looked up.

* * *

Quinn was sat on the edge of the bath, her wet hair hanging down beside her face. When she went to tuck it behind her ear, and touched her cheek, she remembered Rachel's doing the same thing. She thought it was weird that she thought of that moment now, sat in her bathroom at home, naked. She ran her hand over her stomach, and gradually moved it further down, and tried to picture Rachel's face. She spread her fingers when she got lower, and found that suddenly her hand didn't feel like hers anymore, it felt like Rachel's. When she bit down on her lip and her body lightly shook, she took her hand away.

* * *

Brittany had called her fat today. Quinn knew she didn't mean it in a horrible way, but that sort of made it worse. If Puck or Santana had said it, she would know that they were trying to hurt her feelings. If Britt had said it, it must just be true. She had taken to using the bathroom at the far end of the school. It was used less, which meant it was cleaned less too, so it always had a funny smell, but at least she wouldn't be disturbed. She didn't need to throw up anymore, but she needed the sanctuary even more.  
Just as she felt the recognisable wave go through her and her eyelids become heavy with salty water, the door swung open. She didn't dare blink, she knew tears would roll down her face, so she kept them defiantly open.  
Rachel's cardigan, (which Quinn knew was white, because she had caught herself staring at the section across Rachel's chest before) was stained purple. Some of Rachel's hair had been hit by the slushie too, but she wasn't soaked through. Quinn didn't bother saying anything smart, or funny, or even bitchy to try and kid Rachel, or herself. She felt sick again, but she was glad Rachel was there.  
The smaller girl looked upset, but not unhappy. She stood next to Quinn, and took off her cardigan, throwing it into the trashcan.  
"No point keeping that. At least it didn't go through."  
She was wearing a dark blue blouse with short, cupped sleeves. Quinn reached out towards the olive coloured skin. It looked smooth, and the hairs were short and fine, not like Finn's or Puck's. She dropped her hand after holding it out for a couple of seconds. Quinn felt stupid, but Rachel just smiled.  
"Here, let me clean up your hair." Quinn pulled out a few sheets of tissue, and stepped towards Rachel. There wasn't much space in between them, so little that she could hear both of them breathing, and she swore Rachel would have been able to hear her heart beating.  
"No, Quinn, it's fine, I-". Her voice was quiet, and not steady like is usually was. All Quinn could think about was how close Rachel's face was to hers, and how their bodies were only inches apart.  
With the tissues in one hand, Quinn started wiping the slushie out of Rachel's dark, silky hair, and used her other to gently tilt Rachel's chin to the side.

Quinn's fingers touched the soft skin beneath them, her hand resting on Rachel's slender jaw. She could feel the other girl quivering. Her own breath was shaky as she let her hand drop from Rachel's hair, and leant in closer the other girl. She took a deep breath to steady herself, and smelt Rachel's warm, comforting scent. It felt like she had never really known Rachel until now.  
They both let their lips brush past each other when Rachel turned her head.  
"Quinn. I..." Rachel's eyes were closed and she lightly shook her head, but she leant closer towards Quinn, her head tilting into the taller girl's neck.  
Quinn pressed her lips against Rachel's until they had stopped trembling.

She had a funny feeling inside her, not quite her heart, but deep enough within her to understand it. She'd told Finn she loved him before. She thought she meant it, and whatever anyone said about her cheating, she did care about Finn, more than she'd cared about anyone before. This was different, though. It was with Rachel, who never used to matter to Quinn.  
She wasn't going to tell Rachel she loved her, she didn't know if she did. Maybe this is just how it starts, with butterflies.


End file.
